Gays Cannot Serve in the Military Because General Pace Had Shitty Parents

General Peter Pace responds to questions about previous remarks he's made on homosexuals serving in the military:

This is unbelievable, you guys. It's 2007. We've been dealing with this issue for decades, and no one even thought to ask King Pace how homosexuality conflicted with the way he was brought up? It would have saved us a lot of time. I think you all heard his royal highness, homos, beat it. NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

Swasitka-shaped Army Barracks Ignites Tempest in a Teapot in a Gas Chamber

A naval base in California has a barracks shaped like a swastika:

This is basically the Mother Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich of liberal politics, isn't it? I mean, the only way this could really offend you would be if you were an actual holocaust survivor AND piloting enthusiast. Who lived in Southern California. Whose parents were killed by a building shaped like a swastika.

Women Can Now Marry Machines, Sorry Homos

Robotic enhancements are being made in medical science:

Claudia Mitchell may be the most elegantly sophisticated example to date of marriage between woman and machine, but not the best romance. That spot is already taken, thank you very much.

Ne Me Tase Pas, Bro!

A protester interrupts a speech by French Foreign Minister, Bernard Kouchner:

This video just goes to show that John Kerry has less charm in his whole body than Bernard Kouchner has in his petit le-french-word-for-finger.

The Tears of a Clown No Longer the Saddest, Unless It Is a Sudanese Clown

George Bush touches on the Darfur crisis in his speech to the United Nations:

What is Sudan laughing at? It couldn't possibly be the president's late-term lip-service to a genocidal nightmare for which the United States is taking glacial and impotent steps to end the bloodshed, too busy with its own quagmired military efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan, could it? Oh, it is. Well, ha ha, then.

Who Told You We have Gays?

In response to the question "Why do you execute homosexuals?" Ahmadinejad had this to say:

Sorry, my bad. I wonder where I ever got such an idea. Oh wait I remember.

Welcome to Columbia, Asshole

President of Columbia University Lee Bollinger "welcomed" Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today.

Note to self: Think twice before accepting dinner invitation from Lee Bollinger.

Giuliani: Queen of the Desert

Rudolph Giuliani gives a speech for the NRA:

Giuliani used to be one of the most progressive republicans when it came to gun control, but he's been waffling on his stance now that he needs to court the second amendment vote in the presidential election. With his looser position on arming the populace, this "I love the old battleaxe" routine, and a "Git-er-Done" hat he ought to be able to wipe those drag photos right off the...who is he kidding?

The Circle Is Complete

The new commercial for Diddy's cologne has been pulled from television for its sexual content:

What can't this guy do? Right? Top-selling record producer, marathon runner, rapist.

Zimbabwe Should Get Better at Having an Economy

An explanation of Zimbabwe's economic collapse:

Dying people don't farm, you guys. So true. So t-shirt.

In related news: Wheat plus factory plus dollar sign equals black guy. New math. Learn it.

City Offers To Buy Stock Market. Wait, you can do that?

Here's another chapter in the long history of Dubai trying to buy shit that nobody realized was for sale.

Dubai is all, "Look, we made 46 billion dollars last year, so I really want to spend it on something nice. Like a really plush cashmere sweater, or maybe a giant island in the shape of a palm tree. Wait, I've got it! Let's buy the largest electronic screen-based equity securities market in the United States!"

Apparently in the new global economy, any entity, abstract or otherwise, can buy or sell any commodity, tangible or made up. Latest buzz: Al Qaeda has expressed serious interest in the SEC, China is making a bid for Tom Friedman's mustache, and Mark Cuban has a verbal agreement to buy Christmas.

Boy Scouts Earn Knot Tying Merit Badge

Two teenagers drove this truck with nooses hanging off it through Jena yesterday.

Seriously, who knows how to make a noose anymore? Is noose tying just another southern right of passage like catching crawdaddy and dog fighting?

Or maybe they finally got the internet down there.

I Think He's Got the Wrong Vigil

A somber moment of reflection in Jena, Louisiana:

This clip sums up the situation quite nicely. America's blacks gather in protest for what they see as more racial justice after centuries of racial injustice, while America's whites look confusedly for the portajohn.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Is Ahmadenied

New York City declines to provide Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with a tour of Ground Zero:

How do you say "Donna Martin graduate!" in Farsi?

Most Fuckable Public Service Announcement, Ever

PETA's new ad:

Beyond the moral, nutritional, and religious arguments for vegetarianism, there exists an ethical argument: The environmental impact of cattle farming alone HEY-OH!#@! AH-OOO-GA!! humenahumenahumenah ME-OW!@#!!

Invest in Georgia, Guys

An advertisement for...the country of Georgia?:

I blog, so I don't have any money. But apparently when you have money you will understand what this is. Because I don't.

CNN Phones It In

Reverend Al Sharpton heads to Jena, Louisiana:

The Jena 6 case is making national headlines, and is a lightning rod for racial tensions across the country. So it's good that CNN did nothing to explain what was at stake or why people were upset. CNN, for when you just want to see representatives of the Nation of Islam sounding silly and biblically threatening.

Newstalgia

OJ Simpson is released on bail:

It's so cute when the news crew cuts to their helicopter shot of the non-white non-Bronco car moving slowly and safely through traffic and not causing a sensational multi-car police chase at all. A for effort, news crew!

SET UP: Asian Women Tend to Have Smaller Breasts

If I worked for Howard Stern, or maybe Dennis Miller, I would say "Hooters opens in Beijing? Shouldn't they rename it Bee Stings?" But I don't work for Howard Stern, and I maybe don't work for Dennis Miller. So instead I will simply say that it is nice to see women in the workplace, and seemingly happy at that, but I'm a little concerned about their objectification and the exportation of what might be considered America's lesser cultural legacy.

Also why is every single patron of this restaurant white? Did Rupert Murdoch buy China?

5.25% +/- a Half Percent Rules Everything Around Me, Dollar Dollar Bill, Y'all

CNN's Hala Gorani explains the interest rate cut:



I've watched this twice now, and my only question is "Um, what?"

No Taxzzzzzation Without Reprezzzzzzzzentation

Barack Obama unveils his tax plan:

Senator Obama, that plan sounds aweszzzzzzzzzzzzz. Senator Clinton, how does your tax plan affect the middzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. This is really going to help me decide how to vote in the upcoming eleczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Whoopi Goldberg Now the Lesser of Five Evils

The new co-host of The View shares a few of her theories on the world:



With a name like Sherri Shepherd you might expect her to be a stripper, but the new View co-host has more than just large breasts to offer. Or maybe just large breasts.

You know, the question of whether or not the world is flat doesn't take a long time to consider. It's not an either/or with the question of how to feed your family. You could think about it while microwaving the Hot Pockets. "Is the world flat? No. Dinner is served."

Jan-nice, Jan-nice Dick-in-son, Queen of the Plastic Frontier

A 13-year-old Australian model stirs controversy:

For the first half of this I was thinking "what's the big deal?" Modeling is a pretty wretched, exploitative, and destructive industry, so I don't really think it matters how young the models are. It's not like high school does that much more to prepare you for being over-worked, hyper-sexualized, dehumanized, and eventually discarded without so much as a "thank you" than Junior High. At least in Junior High all the students are at the peak of their social awkwardness and psychological cruelty, so why not take that energy and put it in some fancy dresses?

For the second half of this, though, I was thinking "that is the smartest animatronic robot I have seen since the Country Bear Jamboree performed 'The Ballad of Davy Crockett' at Walt Disney World."

When the Hunter Becomes the Meth-head

Meth labs are outsourced to Mexico:

Did you hear that you guys? We've got to move to Mexico. I've got the windowless van all ready. Hop in the back, there.

Meanwhile:



I'm just saying, Donnie Brasco, that in your relentless pursuit of the meth trade maybe you've gotten yourself in too deep.

"Watching Paint Dry," by Alan Greenspan

Alan Greenspan and Vicente Fox come out against President Bush in new books:

On the one hand, bravo to these two influential men coming out publicly against an arrogant and dangerous president. On the other hand, a book by Alan Greenspan? A book by Vicente Fox? LOOK OUT HARRY POTTER! Those will be selling like...not hotcakes...what's a kind of cake that doesn't sell very well? Actually, wait, do hotcakes even sell that well? Maybe these books will sell like hotcakes. I bet Alan Greenspan remembers the era when you couldn't keep hotcakes on the shelves. The war had just ended, and he was celebrating his 80th birthday, and it was 1807, and you couldn't get your hands on a hotcake if your life depended on it.

Detroit Sex-ket-ball

A federal District Attorney is arrested in a sex sting:

After years of To Catch a Predator, this feels pretty ho-hum. Where's the living room confrontation? Where's the cop in a gilly suit tackling the sex-crook in the driveway? Not even one desperate plea of "please, no, this is going to ruin my life"? Snooze!

Also, the anchors keep talking about how disturbing this story is, and it is, I guess, but no more disturbing than

'Obama Girl' Loves the Smell of a Man Who Loves the Smell of Napalm in the Morning in the Morning

"Obama Girl"'s new song, about the troops:



There's got to be a better way to show our support for our men and women in uniform than a song with the production quality of a cable access advertisement for Guitar Center performed by women who were cut from Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll.

I Am Becoming Your Parents

A student is tasered at a John Kerry speaking event in Gainesville, Florida:

I hate the fascist pigs as much as the next guy, but I also hate unhinged people. I might hate unhinged people more. The look of disgust that crosses this young man's face when he is politely asked to get to his question is of such unearned indignance right before he says "I'm going to inform people and then I'm going to ask my question" (ooh, no, thank you) that I wish they'd tasered him right then, right on his insane face. And I'm not an expert on the criminal justice system, but to answer the question that the woman is screaming at the cops at the end, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?", I think it has something to do with the part where he pushed a police officer and yelled "GET OFF ME." Cops, in my experience, are so not into that thing.

I know that this is going to be a very unpopular opinion with the EXTREME LEFT-WING LIBERAL BLOGOSPHEREACHUSSETTS, but I think his point could have been made without shoving everyone and calling them bro.

Wait Till They Discover Jazzercise!

Japan faces the threat of obesity:



In their attempts to stem the rising tide of obesity (almost three percent of the population affected!), Japan has enlisted the help of Billy Blanks, "fitness guru" and the inventor of "Tae Bo."

Here are some people who have benefited from the work of Billy Blanks:

Paula Abdul
Lou Diamond Phillips
Trista and Ryan Sutter from "The Bachelorette"
Justine Bateman
Neve Campbell
Goldie Hawn
Emmanuel Lewis
Sinbad
Wayne Gretzky
UPDATE: The country of Japan.

billyblanks.com

But What Is His Position on Chocolate Boarding? (Because He Is an Oompah-Loompah)

George W. Bush nominates Michael B. Mukasey to serve as Attorney General:

After the dismal water-boarding Alberto Gonzales gave the American spirit, the heart's cockles are warmed by the sight of this little munchkin. You just want to put him in your pocket and feed him table scraps and hug him so hard the rest of his hair falls out.

Lillith Was Right

Emmy wrap-up:



Considering how much time everyone spends watching TV every day, it's kind of impressive how agressively dull and shruggable the Emmys are. Here are a few suggestions for how to improve the show:

-Don't have it.

Sorry, Emmys. But I mean, seriously, you still count Kelsey Grammar as an esteemed presenter.

Stop and Smell the Sports Memorabilia

OJ Simpson arrested in Las Vegas:

What have we learned?

1. OJ Simpson was arrested.
2. It is quiet in the hotel parking lot.
3. OJ Simpson faces six felony charges.
4. There is karaoke at the Palace Station Casino on Wednesday nights from 7 to 11pm.
5. Nothing is happening in the parking lot.
6. The hotel's glass elevators offer stunning views of the Las Vegas skyline. Maybe.
7. There is no activity in the parking lot.
8. OJ Simpson's mugshot is strangely inviting.

This is the saddest crime. When Al Capone was finally put in jail on charges of tax evasion, it was a trivialization of his greater crimes but also the fitting result of a master criminal getting greedy. But this? It's like if Mitch Albom went door to door stealing back all the signed copies of Tuesdays with Morrie at gunpoint, but without any of the touching, powerful lessons about how to appreciate the short time we have on Earth. Oh, and without the whole killing your ex-wife and her lover 13 years ago thing.

You Can Now Make a Professional News Broadcast Out of Clips from Sitcoms, Apparently

The new trend, hugging in the work place:

This is actually just a note for people in my office: if you try to hug me I will take you to the ground swiftly with a ridge-hand to the temple, and then apply a straight-arm-bar, destroying your elbow, before finishing you off with a two-knuckle punch to the throat. Back to work.

Also: Bill Clinton? Really? 2007? Bill Clinton? Really? Really? Bill Clinton?

Matt Lauer Is the Hardest Hitting Non-Journalist Ever

Matt Lauer gives Iran the Today Show treatment:

As much as we want to make fun of this, it's kind of like the Oprah Book Club: a little reductive, a little spoon-fed, but for God's sake, the woman is getting people to read, which is a minor miracle in itself. Matt Lauer sounds like a cross between a sportscaster and 1-2-3 Contact, but if Middle America spends just five minutes this year learning about a Muslim country around which the fate of the entire world seems to hang these days because of the Today Show, then insha'allah.

Matt will surely get back to interviewing Miss Teen Embarrassing YouTube Accident of the Day tomorrow.

A Rubik's Cube of Words

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani on David Vitter (R-LA):

Presidential candidates are the best at playing crazy logic games that will break your mind. The logical leap it takes to get from a question about David Vitter, a Republican Senator from Louisiana who has admitted to sleeping with prostitutes, to talking about what a great job you did working as mayor of New York, is the kind of mental processing usually only done by supercomputers and Lawn-Mower Man (which is a type of super-computer.)

Revenge of the Sgt. Nerds

A young man captures an over-enthusiastic cop on video:

What's wrong with that cop? Not like, why did he do it, or doesn't he understand the important role the police play in civil society and the concurrent necessity of dignified, restrained behavior when dealing with the public. But, like, what's wrong with him? He sounds like a nerd who was sick of getting beaten up so he got super ripped and joined the police force and now abuses his power to get psychological revenge on innocent civilians who remind him of the kids who picked on him in high school.

Oh, look, I just answered my own question.

If You Want to Mess with Britney, You Will Have to Go Through This Guy and the Fourth Wall

A 19-year-old man offers his response to post-VMA Britney criticism:

There is some speculation over whether or not those are real tears, but one thing is for certain: it's going to be very hard for Chris Crocker to get famous by starting with a nervous breakdown. That's late stage celebrity, Chris, you have to earn it. That won't stop him from appearing on CNN and The View today, because apparently the war in Iraq ended so long ago we can't even remember what it was like.

Happy 9/11

American Gladiator returns to television after an 11-year hiatus:

Oh man, what did this make me want to say...I just had it...oh, right: Fuck America!

Credit due to that last guy, though, when the girl filming this crap tried to trip him up and make him feel stupid. The only thing that would have been cooler than his dismissive "why not?" would have been if he'd taken the bait and punched her so hard that her head flew off of her neck, but somehow the camera taped the whole thing.

Hoo-ah! Not So Much, Actually

A woman protests US Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker during his testimony to congress:

This is why protesting is so depressing. You actually get in the room, a chance to confront the leaders of the free world and speak truth to power, and all of a sudden you're just someone's mom with a bad haircut and a glo-in-the-dark bumper sticker for a t-shirt, yelling something that no one can understand while sharply dressed white men chuckle behind hand-muffled microphones and everything goes back to normal.

When, I ask you, WHEN will we get the protest we deserve? Where is our communal Frank Slade?

Now He Is a Man

Rudy Giuliani's 9/11 commemoration speech:

Not to be confused with Rudy Giuliani's bar mitzvah speech, which is pretty much the same speech but with less Eli Wiesel and more Chaim Potok.

Which One Is the Beard?

Usher on Martha Stewart:

OK, a few things about this:

1. Usher is gay.
2. Martha seems gay.
3. Putting cherries in a glass of champagne is not a recipe.
4. Usher is gay.

Seriously, though, this is a bummer. You can just feel Martha's skin recoiling at the touch of another human being after so many years, wondering "what is this alien sensation and why does it echo with the impenetrable darkness of an unbearable loneliness?" Or whatever.

John Kerry Will Be Reviewing the Testimony and Then He'lzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Senator John Kerry, Senator Lindsey Graham, and some lady on Larry King Live:

You know, when Paris Hilton was on the show, she at least held her train of thought: "prison is hard." Note to John Kerry, you're not running for President, so you can drop the "boring pedantic who still manages to deliver a toothless, undirected, focus-grouped non-opinion" act.

Don't Call It a Comeback (Because It's Not a Comeback)

Britney Spears's "comeback" performance at the MTV Video Music Awards:



It used to be that Britney Spears was genuinely impressive. Her pop hits were impeccably well-crafted, and when she took to the stage it was like watching a star athlete doing some sports. But this? The guy from Sling Blade is a more compelling dancer than this. And we're not saying that she's retarded, or a murderer, we're just saying she dances like a retarded murderer.

The guy from Sling Blade is a way better at lip-syncing, though.

Osama Bin Laden, Apprentice of Disguise

lonelygirl15 gets killed off and suddenly there's a new bin Laden tape? Just saying.


The beard thing was an interesting development until Brian Ross started drawing on Bin Laden's face to show us where the beard was a different color, because our eyes are broken. Apparently ABC News is the TV equivalent of Highlights for Kids.

Also, I'm no intelligence expert, but how is Osama Bin Laden shaving his beard a clue that he is in Southeast Asia? I mean, when Dr. Richard Kimble was on the run from Marshal Samuel Gerard, it's not like they flew straight to Southeast Asia. Dude was in Chicago. Did you check Chicago, Richard Clarke? He might be hiding in the conference room at a downtown hotel during a medical conference, waiting to confront keynote speaker Dr. Charles Nichols about the one-armed man.

Larry Craig's Children Love Their Gay Dad

Shea Howell and Michael Craig talk to Diane Sawyer about the heterosexuality of their gay adoptive father.



Here is a useful guide for Michael Craig about the meanings of words:

Straight: a homonormative sexual orientation in which a man or woman feels sexual attraction to a member of the opposite sex.

Gay: your dad, Larry Craig's, sexual orientation.

Bathroom: Larry Craig's bedroom.

Creepy Smile Robot: Shea Howell's face during interviews, apparently.

George Bush to the Troops

George Bush performs a "tight six" for troops in Anbar:



He's not the sharpest performer to do a USO tour, but he's showering those troops with so much nonsense, he'd give Gallagher a run for his poncho money.

Ding dong, Gallagher joke.

FACT: Iraq Is Like Detroit Metro

FACT: President Bush did not land in Anbar Province as I would at a commercial airport. He landed under intense secrecy aboard Air Force One in a militarized war zone. Not even a Cinnabon over there, guys.

FACT: Senator Richard Shelby is a shrewd observer. He saw a rocket. And then he saw another one. And then something else happened. And then he talks like a third grader. Run for President!

FACT: the airport is secured by a 10.5 mile perimeter guarded by 10,000 soldiers? And you say the surge isn't working? DO THE MATH, SON!

Beefeater? More Like Beefeatette!

Wait, that's a real thing? We knew it was a kind of gin. Every once in awhile you are reminded of just how far the western world has to go towards a liberalized society centered around actual freedom and equality when women are only just now getting the chance to work at the English equivalent of Busch Gardens.