Another Resignation Press Conference

Crazy old lady and her Princess Diana Memorabilia

Fox News finds some old, bat-shit crazy British woman with a creepy fetish for Princess Diana memorabilia. I have a feeling there's a lot of British oldies like this stumbling around.

Major highlight: How she feels while wearing her fake crown.

Tucker Carlson, Go Back to Africa!

There's no video with this post, it's just something I feel very strongly that he ought to do.

Eat a dick pale-face!

John McCain's Vietnam Show and Tell

The McCain camp released a video playing up the candidate's vietnam-y-ness today.

Highlights? A Viet Cong solider feels sorry for McCain, McCain's mom feels sorry for his opponents, and former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer explains how to choose the president. It involves a pine tree and a knife. Apparently this is how they make decisions in Louisiana. Which explains why things are going so well there!

Yay y'all! I said it the smart way!: Miss Teen South Carolina Gets a Second Chance

Miss Teen South Carolina was given a chance to recover from her geographical gaff on the Today Show. Watch as Matt Lauer (falling comfortably once again into the role of gutless sycophant) desperately tries to repair the damage years of pagentry have ravaged upon the ego of the would be teen queen.

Oh Miss Teen SC, how could America stay mad at you?! Your bikini clad ass is like sweet sugary crack to the latent pedophile in us all!

Tucker Carlson is only against homosexuals in the way of smashing their heads into the wall

Tucker Carlson weighs in on the Larry Craig scandal on MSNBC:

Tucker Carlson is not a shrink. What he is, apparently, is a fun-loving gay-basher. We're not lawyers, but we're pretty sure ganging up on someone in a bathroom and smashing their heads into the wall is a hate crime. But look at the smile on his face! No harm done, homos.

We haven't seen this much jovial, violent homophobia since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. And that was almost a month ago!

Larry Craig: "Thank You All For Coming Out Today"

Dramatic re-enactment of bathroom sex solicitation

A local news team gives a sense of just what happened between Sen. Larry Craig (R-IA) and an undercover police officer in the Minneapolis airport.



Nice sandals, Jeff. Very professional and TV-ready and also serious, like the news. You guys are not making a mockery of your profession at all, and you are not wasting everyone's morning coffee by making them spit it out of their mouths in exasperation, screaming "WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?"

So much respect for the news desk itself all of a sudden.

Perez Hilton Is a Celebrity In Some Circle

MTV is set to premier a new show: "MTV Celebrity Rap Superstar"



It is up in the air which of these scenarios is less believable: that Perez Hilton is a celebrity, or that Tone-Loc is still an afficianado on rap (no offense, 1983). In any case, it looks to be more classic television from the people who brought you NeXt and Parental Control.

Teens Continue to Have Horrible Decision Making Skills

Last night, America's teens picked Jessica Alba and Zac Effron as their "Choice Hotties":



As you get older, you feel more and more separated from youth culture until you end up driving a mini-van to some kind of extra-curricular practice complaining "it's not music, it's just noise." But the world is obviously moving faster than ever, because I don't have any kids yet, but I still don't see understand the appeal in publicly calling someone out for being 7-years-old, and a dude wearing a vest over a t-shirt.

Hey Al Qaeda, Bring It On!

Did Jeremy Piven Just End Hip Hop?

Jeremy Piven is featured in the new Common video (as is Lilly Allen), which begs the age-old question, WTF? His white middle-aged awkwardness just killed hip hop's boner.

All in all, the video is pretty safe territory for whites. In addition to its two prominent cameos, it also references OK Go, spin class, US Weekly, astronauts, golf, MySpace, Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon. Your mom could basically listen to it (because your mom is white.)

Reminder: David Vitter Has a Sexual Diaper Fetish

Before watching these 2004 campaign ads for Senator David Vitter (R-LA), just bear in mind that not only is he an admitted patron of high-money prostitutes, but that it is rumored he has a diaper fetish.



Did you keep in mind that he is rumored to have a sexual diaper fetish? Because then the part where he has to change a diaper is REALLY funny, not just kind of funny.

Michael Vick Pleades Guilty

Michael Vick would like to apologize to, well, everybody.

Michael Vick would like to apologize on behalf of Michael Vick. He feels bad about what Michael Vick has done. Michael Vick is going to spend some time working on Michael Vick the person, not just Michael Vick the football player.

Robert Byrd, you may now focus your rage elswhere.

Gonzales Resigns

Us Attorney Genral Albert Gonzales resigned today. He came out, told everybody he was leaving, and then ran away before anybody could ask him who he would illegally fire in his spare time.

His statement that "my worsts days as Attorney General have been better than my father's best days" was made all the more poignant when he revealed that his father worked in a shit factory.

Miss Teen USA

In her defense: Miss South Carolina's complete lack of understanding of the complex relationship between education and golbalization will probably prevent her from claiming the Miss Teen USA crown. However, she may still have a shot at chairing the World Bank. (Take that Wolfowitz!)

Miss South Carolina then presented her plan for withdrawal from Iraq entitled "Soft Power of The Liberal Hegemon: A Third Way, Such As"