Bill O'Reilly Hates the Wrong Things for the Crazy Reasons

Bill O'Reilly talks about Brian De Palma:

It's true that Brian De Palma is "the worst Hollywood guy" and "a true villain," but not for his brutal depiction of the horrors of war as perpetrated by out of control American soldiers, based on a true story. Remember Snake Eyes? Oh yeah, and The Black Dhalia. That shit was horrible.

That's All It Takes to Stay Out of the Army? Broheim?

The Undersecretary of Defense Personnel discusses the military's new standard in regards to criminal records and drug use:

The suggestion here that many of our legislators would need a waiver to join the army because of past drug use is not so much "cheeky" as a "shockingly thorough explanation of why so few of these assholes ever served."

Mitt Romney Is a Clown

Mitt Romney talks about Fred Thompson at Tuesday's debate:

It's not unreasonable for politicians to want to be funny. Being funny is charming. It makes you feel more approachable, relatable, relaxed. But there is a thin line between wanting to be funny and actually being funny. Not that it matters for these guys. They're all pretty deep into unfunny territory, hiding in the bushes, smearing cliches on their face for camouflage, but you can see them coming a mile away.

The Mayor of Atlantic City Is AWOL

Over the past 40 years, five mayors have plead guilty or been convicted of criminal charges? Half of the city's last eight mayors have been investigated for corruption? Atlantic City needs to get better at having mayors who are not also criminals. In an article I read, it said that on the morning mayor Robert Levy disappeared he "called in sick to City Hall." Classic. Bueller? Bueller?

Conservative Partylines Are Mitt Romney's Anti-Drug

A young man with muscular dystrophy questions Mitt Romney about medical marijuana:

There is nothing funny about muscular dystrophy, and hats are off to this brave kid for putting Romney's feet to the fire. But while Mr. Romney used his slick politician techniques (namely smiles and aggressive handshaking momentum) to avoid having to deal with the minefield of the issue, I think I can give the young man the direct answer he was looking for: No. No, as president, Mitt Romney will not come arrest you and your doctors. I don't think he would even be allowed to do that, would he? Not that I'm not in favor of every president being issued a sheriff's badge.

Danny Bonadouche Brings the Pain

Danny Bonaduce body slams former Survivor contestant, Johnny Fairplay, at the Reality TV Awards:

I don't know who Johnny Fairplay is, or what kind of awards you could possibly win for being on a reality show four years ago, or why it was taped in a church basement, but I do know that Danny Bonaduce will not be stopped until we strap him into a missile and launch him into the sun.

iPod Burno

An iPod bursts into flames in a man's pocket:

First of all, since when does paper shield your body from fire? That is Chicago circa 1871 science right there. And while I admit that I don't know the first thing about how an iPod works, something about this just screams guess who got drunk and put their iPod in the microwave as a goof and the next morning began crafting a refund worthy explanation?

Kendrick Meeks Would Like Some Extra Credit

Representative Kendrick Meek (D-FL) discusses the national debt:

Did Kendrick Meek's dad make that chart for him? Because everyone is allowed to get a little bit of help from their parents, but no one else's looks that professional. Or ridiculous.

Barack Obama Must Never Forget Accessories

Barack Obama stops wearing his American flag lapel pin:

How can we entrust our nation's future to a man who doesn't insult our intelligence with a pandering collection of politically popular signifiers of loving his country? We might as all move to Russia where they know how to abandon the free flow of rational un-dogmatic ideas for the lock-step of group-think political ideology.

Seriously, though, how awesome did Barack Obama and his lapels just get?

Wesley Clark Is SPF-ing Mad and He's Not Going to Stand for It

"Tough cookie" and retired general Wesley Clark discusses Rush Limbaugh on the Today show:

The brouhaha over Rush Limbaugh's "phony soldiers" comment provides, at best, a mediocre chance to do something about the quality of the discourse in America, but a GREAT chance to do something about Wesley Clark's amazing tan. Hello! He looks like he was dipped in bronze. Bronze or concealer.

Isiah Thomas Put a Pubic Hair on the Knicks' Coke Endorsement

Isiah Thomas after being convicted by a New York jury of sexually harassing a New York Knicks staff member:

Now, in my experience, you're either innocent or not innocent, but I'm not a lawyer, so I'm excited to learn that you can be "very innocent." Apparently, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, but "very innocent" means "found guilty and facing a 10 million dollar fine."

Wait Until You Hear Ann Coulter's Joke About Grape Nuts

Ann Coulter discusses John McCain on the Today show:

A lot of people have a problem with Ann Coulter because they find her views on liberals to be vicious, her personal attacks on politicians to be cruel, and her hyperbolic style to be intellectually lazy. I have a problem with Ann Coulter because she nose-snorts at her own jokes. GET OFF THE STAGE!

Erik Prince: From the Sandlot to the Sands of Iraq

Erik Prince, CEO of Blackwater, testifies before congress:

It might seem at this point in our struggles with terrorism and the ever-more-dire war in Iraq that it's simplistic and reductive and insulting to one's intelligence to talk about "bad guys," and then you see his haircut and you're like, oh, right, you're 12.

Jenna Bush Gets Smoke in Her Eyes When She Talks About Her Dad

Jenna Bush gives a behind the scenes description/defense of her father on the Today show:

Translation: my dad is really smart, funny, and a great father, who doesn't even mind that I smoke two packs a day.

Jesus Christ, she sounds like Bette Davis with bronchitis.

Aaron Zaggy: the Dark Horse of Archaic Patriarchal High School Sports Mascot Politics?

A male Missouri high school student runs for Homecoming Queen and wins:

Brava to this self-proclaimed "jokester" on pulling off a GREAT prank, the likes of which haven't been seen since Archie got hoodwinked by some mopes into taking Jughead to prom. But I'm still not really buying that this is a powerful lesson to students about their civic duty at the voting booth, unless the argument is that if you don't vote you'll have a chuckleheaded "prankmeister supreme" in the White House, which would kind of explain the past seven years.