John Kerry Will Be Reviewing the Testimony and Then He'lzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Senator John Kerry, Senator Lindsey Graham, and some lady on Larry King Live:

You know, when Paris Hilton was on the show, she at least held her train of thought: "prison is hard." Note to John Kerry, you're not running for President, so you can drop the "boring pedantic who still manages to deliver a toothless, undirected, focus-grouped non-opinion" act.

Don't Call It a Comeback (Because It's Not a Comeback)

Britney Spears's "comeback" performance at the MTV Video Music Awards:



It used to be that Britney Spears was genuinely impressive. Her pop hits were impeccably well-crafted, and when she took to the stage it was like watching a star athlete doing some sports. But this? The guy from Sling Blade is a more compelling dancer than this. And we're not saying that she's retarded, or a murderer, we're just saying she dances like a retarded murderer.

The guy from Sling Blade is a way better at lip-syncing, though.

Osama Bin Laden, Apprentice of Disguise

lonelygirl15 gets killed off and suddenly there's a new bin Laden tape? Just saying.


The beard thing was an interesting development until Brian Ross started drawing on Bin Laden's face to show us where the beard was a different color, because our eyes are broken. Apparently ABC News is the TV equivalent of Highlights for Kids.

Also, I'm no intelligence expert, but how is Osama Bin Laden shaving his beard a clue that he is in Southeast Asia? I mean, when Dr. Richard Kimble was on the run from Marshal Samuel Gerard, it's not like they flew straight to Southeast Asia. Dude was in Chicago. Did you check Chicago, Richard Clarke? He might be hiding in the conference room at a downtown hotel during a medical conference, waiting to confront keynote speaker Dr. Charles Nichols about the one-armed man.

Larry Craig's Children Love Their Gay Dad

Shea Howell and Michael Craig talk to Diane Sawyer about the heterosexuality of their gay adoptive father.



Here is a useful guide for Michael Craig about the meanings of words:

Straight: a homonormative sexual orientation in which a man or woman feels sexual attraction to a member of the opposite sex.

Gay: your dad, Larry Craig's, sexual orientation.

Bathroom: Larry Craig's bedroom.

Creepy Smile Robot: Shea Howell's face during interviews, apparently.

George Bush to the Troops

George Bush performs a "tight six" for troops in Anbar:



He's not the sharpest performer to do a USO tour, but he's showering those troops with so much nonsense, he'd give Gallagher a run for his poncho money.

Ding dong, Gallagher joke.

FACT: Iraq Is Like Detroit Metro

FACT: President Bush did not land in Anbar Province as I would at a commercial airport. He landed under intense secrecy aboard Air Force One in a militarized war zone. Not even a Cinnabon over there, guys.

FACT: Senator Richard Shelby is a shrewd observer. He saw a rocket. And then he saw another one. And then something else happened. And then he talks like a third grader. Run for President!

FACT: the airport is secured by a 10.5 mile perimeter guarded by 10,000 soldiers? And you say the surge isn't working? DO THE MATH, SON!

Beefeater? More Like Beefeatette!

Wait, that's a real thing? We knew it was a kind of gin. Every once in awhile you are reminded of just how far the western world has to go towards a liberalized society centered around actual freedom and equality when women are only just now getting the chance to work at the English equivalent of Busch Gardens.